Unfinished… *long post alert*

And then I turned the page…

Only to find the story I had thought would be told in the end, had been dramatically changed. It hadn’t been the best story so far, but it was one I’d had hopes for…one I’d dreamt up the ending to…one that despite all the pain and sorrow had amazing dreams, and even some amazing moments tucked in between the struggles…

…but there were also many very sad and broken hearted times, and the story continued winding down a path I didn’t recognize and wanted to get off…a path I so desperately tried to shield everyone (especially myself) from the reality of…Painting pictures appearing to be happy…to be loved…coping…untitled-8766.jpg

And then the chapter ended, like a door slammed shut.

Everything I thought I’d known about the characters in the story would be challenged…

Everything I’d thought about the Author, I questioned…

How could the Author of this story have my character’s best interest in mind when she had been broken into tiny little pieces? When other characters were broken as well?

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But it was unfinished. I turned the page again to only find a few pen strokes…

What was to be written?

“Now faith is confidence in what we have hoped for, and assurance of things that are not yet seen.” -Hebrews 11:1

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Then suddenly the pen started writing again…

Difficult things…More painful moments….More fears, thoughts, questions, saying goodbye, expectations and hopes changed, difficult decisions,  required but unwanted actions…exhaustion and confusion…more betrayal…more hurt…

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But the Author didn’t leave my character alone in those frightening things that had been written…People surrounded her, prayed for her, sacrificed for her, loved her…from close and from afar…The Author had stepped in, placed his hand in between her and the hurt declaring “NO MORE!”

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And I saw her getting stronger…

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In each circumstance where there was great unknown, the Author ALWAYS provided. Always giving  hope that there was a better ending than I’d thought up originally for her, even in her fears or simple worries…

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But there were also many moments where the she was looked upon by other characters with grave disappointment… Because they also couldn’t see the pen strokes or writings, they showed their great judgment in her presumed failure or disobedience. But they didn’t understand….how could they?

And so I saw her struggling to find the meaning of true reliance upon the Author…not caring what others thought…and grasping at everything within her to persevere…to cast off the hurt and judgement of others…to breath…to SURVIVE!

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There are still unfilled pages…Pages that I fear will be less of the fairy tale that I’d hoped for her, and more of a story of learning how to trust the Author fully…

And if it is so…HE IS STILL GOOD…

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This is my story and I don’t know how it ends yet. I do know that it is UNFINISHED (I am still breathing after all)…

This is how a deeply sad portion in my life looks to me…and then the stands the TRUTH: unknown…UNFINISHED…desperate…SEEN…lonely…NOT ALONE…untitled-8859.jpg

This painful path is FULL of opportunity for me to do one of these Two options:

-Give up, Despair, Wallow in my sorrows and pain forever…tempting

-OR-

-Grow, Trust  that the Author knows how the story ends, Persevere…harder

I’ll just be real here and say I have felt all of those options…I’m twenty-seven years old, with three beautiful children under the age of four… I’ve had many thoughts like-“It’s not fair to my kids! And what about me?- I wasn’t supposed to have to go through this! What’s the point when others view me so worthless? How can I protect my kids? This hurts too much! I can’t do this!”

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But where will I stand? Hopefully not in those desperate anxious  thoughts… Hopefully I  will hold onto the JOY that is deep inside my soul only through His grace…and take each breath knowing that the Author isn’t finished writing…

There IS PURPOSE to the pain in our stories…

“These trials have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -1 Peter 1:7

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Sometimes we don’t always understand someone’s story. We heap on judgment without understanding. But what we fail to remember is that God is FULLY sovereign. And sometimes divorce is a failure kindness. I’m NOT just another statistic (although that was one of my first thoughts/fears/shame after a thoughtless comment from another)…

I am a daughter of the King of Kings, an Image bearer of God…That is where my identity lies…That truth is what I will choose to cling to…regardless of the judgment that will most likely continue to be thrown my direction… OR the feelings of despair that come my way…

I am deeply heartbroken. But God is the healer above all healers… He is the Author after all…And He is EL ROI- The God who SEES me!

“Whether for correction, for the course of the world,  or for His LOVINGKINDNESS, he causes these things to happen.” -Job 37:13 

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I am NOT worthless…I’m NOT a victim…

I refuse to have those labels any longer!

I AM  A BRAVE WARRIOR! I AM A SURVIVOR! I AM AN IMAGE BEARER!

STAND FOR TRUTH, and end the silence that we so often stay in. And realize that in ruin new things can be built… Ruin is a gift…

IN CHRIST LIES MY HOPE…I can do hard things…You can do hard things…

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*Disclaimer- This post is not attention seeking, or meant to bash the other people in my life story… I felt compelled to write about my REAL because so many times we (I) stay silent in our pain…we hide behind smiles…we pretend… But the reality is we all have moments (or lifetimes) of brokenness, pain, and sorrow…And we need to speak truths to ourselves, to others… we need to be real so that others know it’s okay to be real… We need to learn that we have value and worth because we are made in HIS image & HE knows our sorrows, our pains, our hurts like no one else does. It’s also a request for prayer…for ALL the people involved in this painful season… *

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”– 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

(Combination of my cell phone pics & my camera photos- I know the style of pictures are not consistent through this blog post, working on it…lol… )

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2 thoughts on “Unfinished… *long post alert*

  1. Ellie,
    That was beautifully spoken. I have always enjoyed your blogs, this one was hard. I am so thankful for your transparency. This world is sadly lacking it.
    I am the product of divorce…twice. My mom divorced 2 times, and although there is pain, God has used it for my good and His glory. Your children will be ok. They have a loving mom and grandparents. I’m sure their Dad loves them, too.
    Be at peace, my friend. You have lots of people who love you, who will pray for you, and help you and those beautiful, sweet babies.
    May the Lord give you peace and fill your days with joy and laughter.
    Love and a great, big gentle hug,

    Like

  2. Ellie,
    You are a beautiful and loving lady- always have been and always will be. Your trust in the Lord and relationship with Him is evident in your life no matter what life brings. I know for a fact that you’re an amazing mom and I know your choices are always God-driven. I love you so much and I know many others also do 🙂 Unfortunately sometimes we don’t get all of the answers, but it is possible to reach peace and have comfort. In Him we can overcome all this world puts us through. I will pray for you and your family and you know I am always and I mean ALWAYS here for you if you ever need anything.
    Love,
    Emily

    Like

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